Casey's Burden the ramblings of Casey

My Brothers

I have a lot to say about my family... But for now I would like to talk about my brothers.

I have two younger brothers. Dan and Cody. Dan is 11 months younger than I. For a little under a month each year he and I are the same age. I learned the term "Irish Twins" a few years ago. I like it. Cody is 18 months younger than Dan. My mother was basically pregnant for three years straight. She had three boys in diapers at the same time. She claims that no one told her that it was supposed to be hard so she just did it.

My brothers and I fought like cats and dogs growing up. We could not have been more different. They were into sports, I wasn't. They played with toy cars and GI Joe and I put on puppet shows and wanted a microscope. We did all start singing together. My mother taught the three of us "He's still working on me." and as little, little kids we sang that for literally thousands. Church groups, revivals, the works. I was the only one that continued performing.

I used to get so very angry at both my brothers. I was the oldest, but because of how awkward I was with my body I couldn't run fast and sports were just foreign to me. God forbid we get into a physical fight or wrestle like normal boys. I would end up on the ground and use my feet and legs because I had figured out that I was stronger there, but of course the sight of me dropping to the ground every time something started just ruined the moment and my credibility to hold my own was out the window.

Don't get me wrong, we did play together.  We didn't have video games to take up our time, so we played a lot of tag-like-things and did a lot of dangerous things that nowadays would end with our parents being investigated by child services.  BB Gun wars, throwing darts at each other. (I seem to remember a dart stuck in someones leg at some point.)  We would go out into the woods behind our acre and a half of land, shimmy up the tallest, skinniest trees and rock back and forth until we could get it bend to the ground where we would then use it to launch ourselves where ever it would take us.  I'm surprised we made it to adulthood.

Because of something to do with our birthdays or something I was two years ahead of Dan in school. Cody was only a year behind Dan. So we never really had the same school friends or activities. Cody and Dan, however, did everything together.

I guess out of no ones really choosing it, a divide started.   I was performing more and more and it was becoming apparent that I was the "artistic" one.  My brothers were more into sports and cars.

These differences also posed some interesting challenges for my parents. Once, after picking the three of us up from school, my mother got fed up with our bickering in the car and figured that we needed to workout some of our energy. We were about 5-10 miles from our home and our mother stopped the car and made us all get out and walk home. Both my brothers took off. They ran, I'm assuming, the entire way to the house. 10-15 mins later, when they reached the house, they couldn't even remember the fight. Me, on the other hand, took the full hour long walk to think about how miserable I was walking in the heat, and how unfair the whole situation had been. When I finally reached the house I stormed in, went upstairs and shut myself in my room.  I remember my mom coming up, looking at me and just saying, "Well, that didn't work, did it?"  That was the only time Mom ever used that method.

I made the decision early on that I didn't want to ever have a job that wasn't doing what I love.  My father owned and ran a paint company and he was constantly trying to get me to work for him, but I always had rehearsal or such.  Sure I learned a lot about theater but the other result was that I never had money in my pocket.  Or in the bank for that matter.  Dan worked.  He didn't care what the job was, he wanted a new truck.  Dan had the biggest, loudest truck in the neighborhood.  At the time, I thought it was obnoxious.

I wasn't going to go to college.  Dennis Boyter, my HS Choir teacher, told me if I graduated college he would be at my graduation with an air horn.   I got the degree, and I still have Mr. Boyter's air horn.  To pay for college I depended on my father, mother and being able to come back to my High School and choreograph and direct shows there.  At least that's what I thought.  I found out later that Dan had paid my rent more than once.

Whatever the reason, I kinda always thought that my brothers had their own thing going and I didn't really fit into it.  I was actually shocked when I started to realize how much they support me.  It has made me look at them in a totally different way.

I officially came out to Dan and his response was along the lines of "You're still my brother, right?"  And that was pretty much it.

Both my brothers are married and both have two children.  Although it's now legal to do so (in some places), marriage and my own family seems like a distant dream to me.  So it seems that the closest I'll get to having kids are my nieces and nephews.  I could not love them more.  I actually dream about just hanging out with the kids.  We don't do anything really, just hang out.

I started this post back in May.  I've read over this draft a few times trying to figure out exactly what I was trying to say about Dan and Cody.  All that I keep coming up with is this:

Growing up for me was difficult, being gay in a family that was strict Pentecostal made me not want to share who I really was with any of my family. Not to mention that I didn't even know what it was that made me different for the longest time.   I lived two different lives for a long time.  The casualty of this, I believe, was my relationship with my brothers.  I'm not blaming our religion or any one thing for that matter, I'm sure there is more to it.  But for the sake of this post, it will do.  Since coming out and starting the long process of figuring out who I am I feel that our relationships have been salvaged.  More than salvaged actually.  I have grown to truly respect both my brothers as amazing men.  I am so proud of all that they are accomplishing with their careers and with their families.  I can only hope that when I do find my husband that he is like either one of my brothers.